She's just not that into you...yet

So… It’s been a while. It’s ok though, I’m a busy man. Though your education and my spam through this blog is of utmost importance to me, I have other even more important shit to do. Like sleeping for example. Or drinking. Or doing nothing. Stuff that busy and important people like me do. But enough about me... Well maybe not. The purpose of this blog was to write whatever the heck I wanted, so I can talk about me all I want. Plus I have about four more hours to kill here till my flight leaves and not enough educative material for you. So I write some crap too. But anyways, I’d be long gone from this stupid airport when you'll be reading this cause there isn’t any free wi-fi here to upload the article. Let’s move to the case in point now…

Understanding women! I’m kidding, that’s impossible. For now at least. But the article is about them. And their friends. It occurred to me after some time in the field (doing social research ofc) that quite an interesting amount of girls are attracted to the man interested in (banging)  their BFF. For example: I’m doing Amy. Amy’s BFF is Lily. I have a lot more chances to do Lily as well and not some other random girl who doesn’t know Amy. This phenomenon though can be observed on a larger scale as well and not only between BFFs. Inserting that observation in the above example, as long as any girl knows I’m banging Amy, I’m good to go. In short, if you’re banging someone, you’re going to bang someone else just as easily. Just cause you’re banging someone. But that’s not new to most of you I suppose. Even if those of you girls reading this will strongly deny the truthfulness of my words, they are indeed the bitter truth. As I said before though, most of you people already know what I’m talking about.

I’m here to guide you fellow guys in exploiting this theory, a thing which many of you may lack the wits to accomplish. If you are already having a girl there is no need for exploiting. You can proceed as it pleases you. Exploiting is for those of you lacking a girl but want to start this chain of getting one girl after another. Especially getting the BFFs one after another. I don’t know why, but I find a certain sense of accomplishment in that. I suppose it’s because I’m an asshole. But tell me ladies, isn’t at least one of your exes an asshole? The answer is yes. This pretty much means that at some point in their life I’m every girl’s type. And yes my ego is the size of Jupiter. Enough of that though. Let’s get back to exploiting. Let’s say you want people to believe you have girl. But you don’t want to lie about it either cause you’re a good guy and I admire you for that, but as a good guy your future in the girl department is rather slim. Yet there is hope for you too. Begin by talking to the unknown girl you’re interested in –let’s call her Amy- about the girls in your life. Never tell her you’re being more than friendly with any one of them though. Cause well, you’re not. But she doesn’t know that. She will most likely assume you are being more than friendly with at least all of them. Girls tend to do that. The logic behind it eludes me however. Now to justify her assumptions though, Amy, will start asking questions on the matter. Most of them look like this: “Sooo your friend Lexi just hangs around at your place right?” Others though are pretty straightforward, like: “Do you sleep with Lexi? “ The key is to give the vaguest answer possible. Like, “Yes most of the time she just hangs around at my house” or “ It’s really none of your concern who I sleep with, but if you must know, no I don’t sleep with Lexi” which pretty much to the girl’s mind implies that you’re sleeping with someone else. And that if you’re sleeping with someone else and don’t want to talk about it maybe you were lying about Lexi too. But she can’t accuse you of lying without leaving herself vulnerable to the fact that she likes you and there’s where you get the upper hand in the game and you never really had to lie about anything. You were just not being very clear about your personal situation. No real harm done. And that's all folks. From here on you're on your own!

If you’re a girl and you’re still reading this crap and haven’t closed your browser and called me a loser yet, you are either really great and I’m lucky to know you ( if I don’t, I’d be lucky to know you in the future) or I’m paying you. Either way, thank you very much for your understanding and I promise you the next article will be even worse. I did say I was an asshole after all.

                                                                                                                       Mr. V

                                                                                                                               

The good,the bad and the manly

We’re amidst carnival season and everyone’s playing dress-up these days, so it’s a good time as any for an article! I had a discussion with some friends the other day on what should we dress-up as. I was leaning towards the idea of a Phantom of the Opera costume. Awesome huh? I mean it’s unusual, the Phantom’s a bit creepy and terrifying, wears a half-mask (which is way cooler than a normal one) plus he carries a rapier. Ok that last part is not that cool to be honest, broadswords and guns are way cooler, but it could be a lot worse. So we’re sticking with it. It’s a respectable outfit all around, which is what’s important. So while we were talking, a friend pointed out that we should wear “manly” outfits. Now according to him, men should dress up as ninjas, cowboys, Vikings or cavemen. Well it’s a thought. It makes sense if you think about it. Ninjas carry katanas and kill people. Cowboys carry guns and kill people. Vikings carry axes and cavemen carry clubs. And kill people. They sound manly enough, don’t they? So if you still haven’t found a costume and want to score some chicks consider those ideas. Not the Phantom one. That was mine.

Now let’s talk about another carnival trend. Superhero costumes! They are a common occurrence during carnival season and pretty much everyone has, at least once, wore one.  They shouldn’t have but anyway. I’d like to give a few pointers though on the off chance you are thinking of dressing up a superhero. If you wanna dress up as Superman for example (lame I know) you should never forget to wear the red underpants. Over the suit! That way people won’t recognize who you really are. It’s a must. Another thing you should keep in mind if you intend to wear a superhero costume is where you’re going to show up with it. Justin Bieber concerts are the best place. Whatever you’re wearing (even an Aquaman suit), Bieber will still look more ridiculous than you. He does suck more than Aquaman (yes this is actually possible). Moreover if you intend on impersonating a superhero, try impersonating a very famous one. Either way you’ll look ridiculous; at least make sure people recognize your costume. In the end though, the best advice I can give you on superhero costumes, is to not wear one. The tights are uncomfortable and you might trip on the cape. Plus you’ll never look cool. So avoid them and try one of the previous mentioned “manly” costumes. Or at least carry some kind of weapon. Maybe not a rapier though, it’s kinda gay. That was a really bad call from yours truly.

Yes I know what you’re thinking. All these costumes are mainly for men. The thing is, girls nowadays have an easy time picking a costume. They wear a slutty version of something. Like a slutty nurse or a slutty cat. With only a little imagination, pretty much anything can be turned into a slutty variant of itself. And it will be a respectable(?) girl costume. It’s the men that suffer the agony of whether their costumes are funny, innovative, cool or manly enough.

Concluding, I’d like to mention that I have been writing this article for a while now but, as it turns out, published it on the last day of the carnival season. Better late than never I guess. So, to all of you that my delay to publish this extremely educational article cost you that amazing impression on one of the carnival parties, I’d like to present my sincere apologies.  It won’t happen again.

February 14th - We lovely three: you, the gift bag and me

Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day I hated since the beginning of my existence. Mostly cause it was right after my birthday and people used to mix up those two dates. In more than one occasion, it overshadowed the importance of my birthday to the history of the universe. Add to that some lame love jokes about me, some girl and cupids and you’ll see what I mean…Oh, how I hated that chubby boy with the arrows that seemed to be everywhere that day. Moreover, it did help in hating it and consistently stating how much it sucked, that I never was in a relationship during V-Day. That way I never had to pretend I liked it. And I do hope I never will…

You see, girls love V-Day. And if you love them, you gotta love V-Day too. If you want to get laid and not laid off. From the relationship that is. I do get why they like it so much though. As a nice husband, fiancé, boyfriend you are expected to come baring gifts. Of love and diamonds that is. But mostly diamonds. They are after all, a girl’s best friend as dear Marilyn so rightly pointed out. On a side note though, if you haven't decided on a gift, lingerie, however expensive it may be, does benefit both sides…

Now, I am not against the concept of giving gifts to your significant other. On the other hand I’m all for it. But, it shouldn’t come as an obligation. You should be buying them because you want to, not because you have to. 

Well, no one actually puts a gun to your head in order to buy gifts on V-Day but you get what I mean.

Anyway, there is also that argument about V-Day not being about the gifts but about celebrating love. I say fuck this shit. If you truly love someone, you’ll love them every single day. And you’ll celebrate being with them every single day as well. No one should need a reminder on their calendar to do that on February 14^th.

Failing Heroically

Hello again dear readers! It’s been a long time but I’m back again with a new article. And yes this one is as awesome as the last one, maybe even more after a few drinks. Today’s article is not another amazing theory on life. It’s just some crap that pissed me off and I had to share it with you…

Superheroes suck. Big time. And no I’m not talking about the outfits. I actually think some of them look cool. My problem is with their attitude on life and most importantly death. Let me take this from the beginning though…

It all started while I was watching an episode of Smallville. It’s that one show where Superman is a young boy who lives in a farm, like typical American white trash. And all sorts of creepy bad guys try to kill his family, his friends, the pizza boy, etc etc. But Superman always stops them. The thing is some of them return after a while and cause more problems. Why?  ‘Cause Superman is so “good” he kills nobody. Not even the bad guys. Seriously how stupid is that? And apparently it’s not just him. Almost every superhero repeatedly denies killing their archenemies because, supposedly, it’s wrong to kill people. Which is why they suck. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting it’s cool to kill people. But come on, some of these villains top Hitler’s, Alexander’s and Christianity’s body count put together. Ok maybe not if you add Christianity’s, but nevertheless you get the point.  And they kill REPEATEDLY. When guys like Superman and Batman leave Lex Luthor and Joker alive to see another day they’re practically asking for it. And no sending them to jail doesn’t count. Maybe the first time some villains were sent in there it was a good idea. But all of these guys break out. But like all the time. I wonder why no superhero ever noticed that... Because they consistently keep sending them there. Fail much?

And thus I ask you dear readers: Why not put a bullet, arrow, lantern, whatever superpower through their freaking heads and be done with them?  Where do you stand in this battle between superheroes and common sense?

The Theory Of The Parking Spaces

Greetings universe! Coincidentally the birth date of my blog is also the first day of the year. So yeah, I woke up today (after a pretty long night, which involved a significant amount of alcohol) and decided that it was about time I created a blog where I could spam freely and endlessly about nothing in particular.

I’d like to begin my constructive and educational  spamming with a theory I recently came up with, which I have decided to call "The Theory Of The Parking Spaces". It revolves around the fact that women are like parking spaces in a big city. While that might seem a bit unorthodox and you’re probably thinking right now “What is this guy on?”,before you close the blog’s tab and go to something like youporn which is constructive and educational as well, let me explain. Like good parking spaces (near your house,work,local bar,etc etc), 8s* and above are not that easy to find. However,when you come across a nice space and finally park your car after some long minutes/hours/years of circling the block you realize that other, better parking spaces than the one you just conquered(notice the metaphor!) are free and waiting for you. The same thing applies to women. After  you’ve spend a significant amount of your time in bars,librarys,gyms and wherever it is you search for women nowadays and finally find one you like,you realize that others,that you like even more, are now available. Thus the connection between women and parking spaces. As a side note I’d like to point out that based on that theory,parking lots would be the equivalent of a whorehouse due to the fact that you have to pay to park there. The difference is that when you actually park there you don’t feel any shame if someone sees you,which is a common occurrence for most people when “They park their car” (Yeah I know :D) in a whorehouse.

*Women are categorized on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the hottest ones but you probably already know that if you’re wasting your time reading this blog.

So this ends today’s session. Until next time!

                                                                                                                

                                                                                            Xo Xo Gossip Girl Mr. V